For example, I'm a huge believer in the phrase: "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." To know that I'm in the driver's seat in a given situation gives me a sense of peace. This is probably also why an anesthesiologist freaks me out prior to surgery. He or she is taking over, and I have to sit back and relinquish my title of head honcho.
1) Landing a job or promotion
2) Trying to find the right person to date or marry
3) Deciding if and when to have children (This can really throw your control out of the window)
4) The decisions our loved ones make- the good and the bad- and having to implement tough love when it's the most difficult
There are many more scenarios in which we have no control, but last and not least are the number of days God gives us and those we cherish while on earth. The day you were conceived God knew the number of hairs that would be on your head and also the number of heartbeats you'd have. When that number is up, it's your time. How in this situation can anyone have control? The only answer I can come up with is this: be ready. In all that you say and do, be ready.
So allow me to recap the last two weeks and show you how they miraculously tie together.
Father's Day Weekend 2017
Months ago I knew that this would be the last wedding where I would play piano and sing before Landon's arrival. At 6.5 months along that week I was so thankful to be in working condition (I sound like an automobile) and to be part of yet another special day for the Bryant family. This was Holly's turn.
Her family and church family are some of the sweetest people you'll meet. And her mother cooked ALL of the food for the reception, including the cake!!! I can barely make a batch of 24 cupcakes for a class party without praying for forgiveness, and yet on one of the most emotional and potentially stressful days of a mother's life, Marcia somehow managed to be a super hero in every sense of the word. I've got a long way to go, because Emerson's wedding guests may be chowing down on cheese balls and peanut butter sandwiches if I'm the chef. You laugh; I don't. I'm a decent cook, but preparing a meal for 3 or more overwhelms me. Multiply that number by 100 and you might as well hand me a straight jacket. So congratulations to Holly and Britt!
What's in a Father
For some of us, we are given one father and mother to raise us. Granted, many people take on these roles that didn't conceive a child for whatever reason. Maybe they are stepping up for someone who never did. God bless those people and all parents. We all have our sets of daily struggles, but I believe our Heavenly Father knows that we're trying, and our children and spouses do, too. No one is perfect.
Our Heavenly Father knew that someone had to walk His children through life and "take His place" in a physical sense after He arose from the grave and ascended into Heaven. He handcrafted a father for each of us. Having said that, we still have free will, so not all dads live up to His standard, but many do. One of them is named Randy (or Randolph if you're a telemarketer).
My earliest memories of my Dad are him lugging around probably a 15 pound camera to film (remember that word?) every moment of our lives. He didn't want to miss anything. I'm the same way, but thank goodness a much lighter camera was invented years later that weighs almost nothing.
He (and my Mom) had us in church each and every Sunday. And if we decided we didn't want to go? No fun for the rest of the day. That was usually an instant cure for any head or stomachache I suddenly had, most likely because I didn't want to get dressed.
My Dad has laughed with us, cried with us, and been there for every milestone.
Given us advice.
Prayed for us and our decisions a million times over.
He gave me away in June of 2011 AND led our ceremony, along with our pastor.
He has preached and taught thousands of people over the years.
He has impacted even more.
There is absolutely no one on earth like him in every sense of the word.
Ryan's parents cooked a wonderful steak dinner in honor of Father's Day, and when it comes to food you'll learn that nothing stops Randy. He was all in with a fork in hand.
As we headed back home that Sunday afternoon I thought about all the things I needed to get done that week, and as usual my to-do list and calendar were ready. I knew what I would be doing every single day that week. But I had no idea.
That Monday I felt really uncomfortable all day and ended up going to my doctor's after hours care to get checked out. They confirmed that everything was completely fine with Landon and that I'm just so short that the tightening I'm feeling is him simply starting to run out of room.
Obligatory Chris Farley reference
Emerson was an ANGEL at the doctor and sat there in complete awe while mine and Landon's "heart beeps" were monitored. So we got home at 11:00 that night with me totally reassured (which will cost me dearly later, so I'm avoiding the mailbox at all costs. Pun intended)
My parents were coming that Wednesday morning for my Dad to have ICD surgery. When my Mom called to tell me this, I was all...what?!? So during my research I discovered that this device is basically like a pace maker on steroids, and it stands for Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator. This is also the same number of syllables as supercallifragilisticexpialidocious. Don't ask how my mind works or how I realized this fun yet equally useless fact.
"That hospital bill will be quite atrocious..."
After his triple bypass in 2011 my Dad has a routine checkup every six months to monitor his heart. He sees some of the best and most award winning doctors, and they determined that he was an excellent candidate for this surgery. The doctor's actual words were "I don't have a crystal ball, but based upon my evaluation and experience this device should lengthen his life." Done. No brainer. He was having the surgery.
I had cleared my calendar that afternoon so that I could be at the hospital during his procedure. I had it all planned.
Until that phone call at 4:58 am on Wednesday morning, June 21st.
In my stupor (I had been awake multiple times that night) I thought it was my alarm, but then I realized that it was still dark outside. I saw that it was Ryan's mother calling, and my heart started to pound.
Please be a butt dial.
Please be a mistake.
But it wasn't.
Ryan's grandmother Earline was in devastating condition at the hospital. She had gone to the ER late Tuesday evening with a broken wrist. Upon her arrival she told the doctors her name and birthday and was completely coherent. However, she also hit her head during the fall, and it was later discovered that she had severe bleeding of the brain. By the time the tests were complete and before she was transported to another nearby hospital the doctors gave Ryan's Dad the heartbreaking news. It wasn't good. Just a couple of hours later there was no brain activity.
The purpose of this phone call was to let us know that she was on a ventilator. Then came the phrase that puts control freaks like me in panic mode. "There is nothing we can do." The family was being called in to say goodbye and pay our respects.
My hands shook. Ryan was sleeping right beside me and started to stir. I started repeating what his mother was saying to me, and it just made no sense. Granny Earline was in a fantastic state of mind, was active in her church, drove all over...HOW could this happen so suddenly?
My head spun. No more Christmas lunches at her house. No more visits where we would talk about anything and everything. She would never meet her great grandson, Landon, face to face on earth. That hit my heart like a freight train.
Ryan and I made the executive decision to dash to Florence with Emerson in tow to be by her side. Emerson is extremely mature about situations like this as we have learned. Before the sun rose we were showered and ready to make the heartbreaking trip.
When we arrived it was like her body was there, but her spirit had already left. I fought back sobs as Ryan and I stood by her bed when we had a moment alone. Through tears and gasps for air, this is what I had to say.
"Granny, we love you so much. And I just want you to know that I carried Emerson for nine months, and she came out looking like you. I consider that an honor. Thank you for loving and supporting us. Every time I would sing or have a recital/program/Night of Worship at FBC you were always there. I appreciate everything you've ever done. We miss you. Ryan told me that you wanted me to play one day for your funeral, and when that day comes I will try (through the pain) to make it the most beautiful music ever."
I squeezed her hand and rubbed her head and shoulder. We hugged and kissed her. It was like life had deflated us. After spending an hour with the family we made the almost hour and 45 minute dash to the other hospital so we could see my Dad before he went back for surgery. This would be our third hospital visited within 36 hours.
Within five minutes of us arriving we were called back to see my Dad before they whisked him away. We cut it that close. I figured we'd be waiting a long time and was somehow starving, so we left briefly to get something to eat, and the doctor had already come out to see my Mom before we got back. This sent me into a tailspin as we waited nervously in traffic trying to get back to the hospital. Waiting for that type of phone call is enough to make your heart stop. When my phone rang I answered it faster than I reach my arm into the bag at the drive thru to get the first fry. You know what I'm talking about.
"Everything is perfectly fine. The surgery went great."
When I heard my mother's calming voice it gave me some solace and peace after what we had endured that morning. We went back to see a very groggy but spirited Poppy who desperately wanted juice and a candy bar.
Emerson and I accompanied my Dad on the trip to his room while my Mom and Ryan were on a coffee/snack run. She played in the curtains while they asked my Dad questions. There was still no change with Earline at this point as almost all of the family had arrived.
At 5:00 that day we rushed home and tried to go to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. About two hours later we got the call that we were dreading but expecting. Earline had passed.
Both of our bosses were as kind and considerate as they could possibly be as we took the rest of the week off to be with family. The next morning we headed home (what I will always call home) to spend time with everyone, plan arrangements, and just be there face to face with all of the people Earline loved.
The occasion was so unexpected and devastating, but there was so much good to observe. People came from all over to pay their respects, visit with us, bring tons of food, flowers, and kind words of comfort and encouragement. Hugs. Tears. All of it.
And the tons of cousins, wives, and their children had a blast together. Who would have thought that we would be spending these moments with each other, but we soaked up every one. Madeline and Emerson were inseparable, and we were so glad to see Harper, too.
The funeral was heartfelt, and so many from around the community came to support us. When the family went to view the body the day before Emerson went with us and said that "Granny E was asleep and went to Jesus" before asking to give her a kiss goodbye. If that doesn't pull your heartstrings you might need to have the same procedure my Dad just had.
Earline loved her ten grandsons. Aaron couldn't make it, but there were nine pallbearers.
Through it all I came to realize some things. I was so thankful that it didn't take Earline being on her death bed for us to spend time with her. Over the years and through the hundreds of pictures I was so glad that we had included her in every occasion: Birthday parties, Christmas plays, graduations, you name it. She was always included and a part of everything. That gives me peace.
She was so loved, so kind, so everything you could have asked for in a grandmother. There are only positive things to say about her. God bless her. We miss her so deeply, and things will never be the same.
We'll always remember surprising her with big news back in 2013. She always shared our joy.
The Sunday lunches
The Snapchat sessions (who knew???)
The special milestones she shared with us, including five weddings of her grandsons
"After ten grandsons, God said, "Remix!" That verse is found in one of the newer bible versions. Here she is with her three great granddaughters.
And oh, she loved her children so much
And grandchildren
And siblings
Our reveal party happened to fall on what would be her last Birthday. We celebrated the news with her about Landon and then took her out for seafood that evening.
This is probably one of my favorite photos of her with a sign that says it all: "Count your blessings." She did, and there are still more to come.
We also celebrated my Uncle Larry's 70th Birthday last Sunday. It was so great to see my Aunt Polly and her family. She brought slides from their summers in Europe that we enjoyed along with a delicious lunch. She thinks of everything.
When we celebrated Matt and Riviere's wedding day on May 20th it would be the last time that we saw her as a group. This was the last time I ever hugged or spoke to her. Ryan did take Emerson over to her house to play just four days before she died while I was getting ready for a wedding. I noticed that in both of the pictures below Ryan and I are holding on to her chair. Looking at it now, it was perhaps our way of wanting to keep her with us.
Getting back into the swing of things this week was difficult, but life has to go on whether we like it or not. We always expected that she would eventually get older and weaker and that things would progress in a way we deemed logical, but God knew all along when He would call her home.
Here are two incredible facts:
1) Earline's death was ten years to the day after my grandmother Alice's on June 21, 2007. While leaving my grandmother's funeral I told my Mom that if I ever had a little girl her middle name would be Alice. Just over six years later, Emerson Alice was born, and her resemblance to Earline was striking.
2) In the same exact moments in two different hospitals, my Dad had a heart procedure while Earline's heart stopped beating. How does it feel to be thankful and heartbroken in the same day? Ask me later, because I'm still processing it.
I know we'll see her again, and that keeps us going on the tough days. Please be ready. Please live your life in a way that if it were taken in an instant you would be permanently with the Heavenly Father.
Because if I've learned one thing this week it's this: when the heart stops the clock stops.
