Poop, There It Is

While in the craft store the other day I saw something very puzzling on the shelf.  Who would willingly buy the word "Fat" in lights to display in their home?

I stepped back, because I'm only 5'1, and it was then that I could see the whole picture.

OHHH....EAT!  Well, that makes much more sense.

I always wanted one of these from my registry...thank you!

Life...it's all about perspective. 

FALL is among us, and I am super stoked.  Fall means that husbands are occupied with hunting and football and therefore less aware of the hypothetical shopping bags in my trunk.

We kicked off Labor Day weekend in Charleston with my brother-in-law who was a great host to us.  We threw DOWN with some food and dips for the opening USC game.

There was just one minor detail about that weekend: Hurricane Hermine.  It's always been my dream to go out on the beach during a hurricane.  I've never seen anything like it.  The wind was literally pushing us over!  Need I remind you that in another life I'd be a meteorologist; that is, until they asked me to report on a storm at 3:00 am.  #AintNobodyGotTime

It was so windy that I even thought about taking up running.  After all, it would be SUPER easy this way.  But unless I find a permanent high speed fan that won't be happening anytime soon.

Fortunately, this little lifeguard was on duty.

Does this pose look familiar?

Emerson had Uncle Kevin wrapped around her finger.  Arcade games, books...nothing was off limits.

Emerson got really sick the last day we were there and was inconsolable.  We passed her all around the table until she finally got comfortable in Kevin's arms...conveniently, just as our food arrived.  But he didn't mind!  And he still got a massive mound of Birthday cake from the staff.

Next up was Ross's baseball themed third Birthday.  Look how excited Emerson and her friends were when they saw each other!

It was also hilarious to see toddlers running around with bats.  Foam bats.

Last week we celebrated Abi and Austen's engagement at Rockaway's, and my GOODNESS the food was delicious.



And on Saturday I made the mistake took Emerson with me on a routine trip to Target.

While looking for something that was actually necessary I had to maneuver around several employee carts and boxes as they were likely restocking from my last trip.  We somehow ended up on the kids' character bedding aisle, and that's when Emerson spotted her....Rainbow Dash.  AKA one of the characters from My Little Pony.

"Take me home with you....pwease."

And just as I am hypnotized by the Target Bullseye, Emerson was completely entranced with Rainbow Dash.  We actually carried her around the whole store until I convinced Emerson that we needed to put her back on the shelf so she could go to sleep.

Fast forward to our trip home, and I heard about this pony over and over again.  So much so that I remembered we had some Target gift cards from recent Birthdays and Christmases.  I don't buy toys and things for Emerson every time we go in the store, but because she agreed to put him back, continued to ask nicely (about 500 times), and she had her own gift card...back to Target we went.

Why is it that you can spend an hour in a store and then - sometimes WHILE you're in line at the checkout counter- you happen upon something completely amazing as if it wasn't there before?  We walked by the clothing section, and I spotted something odd between a rack of clothes...could it be?  YES, it WAS!  A Rainbow Dash JACKET!!!

And thus...

Now they are twins.

And now for an epic story...

Last week I took this sweet little face to the pool for one of the last swims of the season.  All seemed well.  The water was definitely colder than usual, but we had the whole pool area to ourselves, which I would soon discover was one of those THANK GOD situations.

For Emerson's entire life, she has worn swim diapers to the pool as a precautionary measure.  Mind you, these almost-$1-a-piece diapers don't retain water, but they will- in a dire emergency- hold in "matter."  Do you smell catch my drift?

We had just gotten in the pool when I saw it.  The face.  If you're a parent you know what I'm talking about.  It looks a little something like this.

Or this.

Before I could even think she blurted out, "I have to go potty, Mommy!"

The problem is that she made this statement AS things were already happening.  

"GET OUT OF THE POOL!" I yelled.  And I sat and watched in horror as she went to the bathroom in her bathing suit.  She was out of the water, at least.  No problem, right?  Well, if something dirty is on her, she freaks out about it and wants it off IMMEDIATELY..such as Cheetos on her hands or dirt on her shirt...and boy, what I would have given in that moment for Cheeto hands...

The only choice was to walk with her in a penguin fashion up to the bathroom.  What's unfortunate about this?  We have a large pavilion connected to our pool, and on this particular evening there was a lady running for senate with about 75 people packed in the pavilion to hear what she had to say.  We had to walk a mere ten feet from them in order to get to the restroom.

So while the guest of honor was speaking about progression and all things positive, Emerson was yelling, "MOMMY, I POOPED!  WAAAAAHHHHH!  I'M DIRTTYYYYYY!" as I shushed her and made our way to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Need help?  Waddle it be?

Once inside (and thank HEAVENS no one else was in there) I took her in the last stall and pulled down her bathing suit.   Do you know how difficult it is to get a wet swimsuit off that sticks to your skin?  I was pulling with all my might when the contents went flying across the stall like a slingshot, and then Emerson stepped in it.  I can't make this up.  

Yep; we're gonna need Tide for that.

A good samaritan had left a roll of paper towels in there, which called for some improvisation.  Or, in this case, making 'DOO.'

 I mopped the entire floor with paper towels, all while singing, "Zippedy DOO dah."  I kid about that part.  It was an absolute nightmare, and I could still hear people cheering and clapping outside, as if they were aware of my accomplishments.  We made our way out of the bathroom in one piece, and I said in a low voice, "Next time, please tell Mommy before you go."

"SHHHH!!!! WE'VE GOTTA BE QUIET, MOMMY!" -Emerson said in her loudest voice possible.

Looking back at my school days, isn't it hilarious to remember teachers, etc. yelling at other people to be quiet?

But our escapade wasn't over.  She had one more Winnie the Poo after this, which resulted in dejavu.  I'm pretty sure I'll never make eye contact with that potential senator. So I guess the moral of the story is....when life gives you crap, walk in it.

Yes, it will be dirty and embarrassing, but it makes you more relatable, and you might even get to star in your own TV series or theme song.  The possibilities are endless; just don't forget the Febreeze.

POOP! There it is!!!