I Have What??? When Candy Isn't So Dandy

A recently overheard conversation between my parents:

Daddy: "Did you cry when you first saw Katharine in her wedding dress?"
Mama: "Yeah, because of the price."

One thing is for sure- girls leave love in your hearts and holes in your wallets, as we are already learning in preparing for Emerson's arrival.

Things have definitely been up and down lately, but I try to remain positive.  So the next time someone asks, "How are you today?" perhaps I should respond by saying, "Well, let me tell you what hasn't happened to me today."

A) My car didn't catch on fire

B) I still have all my limbs in tact

C) My identity wasn't stolen, resulting in the liquidation of all my assets

I wonder what sort of response that will elicit.

"I did not sign up for this."

Before I get to tonight's main topic I will reflect on the lovely baby shower I helped host for sweet Kate a couple of weekends ago.  We can't wait for Baby Gabe to be here any week now!

That was a great weekend.  I spent lots of quality time with my family, dominated and won Monopoly, and color coordinated with my good taste twin, Paulette, at church on Sunday.  Good times!

In the back of my mind, however, I was fully aware of the impending doom that would be my sugar test the following Monday at the doctor's office.   I had dreaded it since day one.  After all: if anyone was a candidate for failing such a test it would be me.

Katharine's candy collection.

So as instructed I drank the horrible, orange, sugary solution in its entirety before my appointment.

IT'S ME, IT'S ME!!!  I'M HERE FOR MY SUGAR TEST!!!!!  YAHOOO!!!!!!!

But my excitement quickly faded upon receiving my results:

 I failed.  With a giant F.

But this was a complete setup. It's like saying, "Oh, here, eat this massive bag of sugar from Sam's, and then we'll test your sugar levels to see if they're high."

DUH!!!

Am I missing something???  Will someone PLEASE explain this to me?!?  With that drink they gave me beforehand I might as well have consumed the entire contents of a snow cone truck.

Or another example: Let's have you push this RV over a mountain in 110 degree heat and then check your blood pressure to see if it's elevated.

So as disgusted as Justin Bieber when he can't find his hair gel I was informed that I'd have to take a THREE hour sugar test later that week which involved being stuck with a needle four times.  I envisioned leaving the place like this:  I hate needles.

Going to the doctor is like getting your car serviced; you always leave with more problems than you had when you came.

Since Ryan had an overnight meeting I stayed with Jamie & Chris the night before the big test.  Jamie diverted my attention by taking me fabric shopping for a crib bumper she's making for me...because that's what friends do : )

Perhaps the worst part about this whole testing fiasco was having to fast for almost 16 hours.  A couple of scenarios where I'd appreciate the word 'fast' are as follows:

1) There was a fast line at the bank this afternoon.

2) I ran faster than all the other shoppers in Macy's and won a door buster's prize.

Not eating?  I do not appreciate that type of "fast."

The one positive thing out of this nonsense was the nice friend I met, Amelia, who was in the same glucose intolerant boat.  We had three hours together to bond and chat in the midst of all the torturous arm sticks, and although we both came bearing books and electronics to pass the time, we never even used them!

Late the next day after being on pins and needles- pun intended- I received confirmation of the news I had feared. "Blah blah blah sugar levels blah higher than normal blah blah you have Gestational Diabetes."

Are you KIDDING ME???  Then faster than the side effects that are read after a commercial for a prescription pill I was given a "list" of foods that I can eat on a regular basis.  In addition to omitting fan favorites like Starbursts and Skittles they had the nerve to add ridiculous forms of measurement for these foods.  For example: 17 grapes are allowed for a snack.  17 grapes?!?!  Who sits around and counts grapes???

We've received word that you consumed an 18th grape today.  I'm going to have to take you down to the station.

I'm convinced that our society has gone WAY overboard these days with things you should and shouldn't do, threatening diseases, and symptoms.  I'm pretty sure Mary and Jesus didn't have to have a lousy glucose test.

This just in.  Records indicate that the three wise men actually came to the manger bearing Gold, Frankincense, and Milk Duds.  

I was extremely frustrated and angry about having to deal with this and agonize day in and day out about every meal, but as I said and prayed before I got the results, if this is my only challenge during this pregnancy I am still blessed beyond measure.

It's time for Katharine's daily finger prick.

Fortunately almost all cases of gestational diabetes go away once the baby is born... but how happy do you think I'll be about eating raw vegetables, 12 goldfish, and other health crap during my Birthday in October?

Make a wish...

I foresee many upset children who come Trick Or Treating to our house this year and are greeted with a vegetable tray instead of a candy bowl.

"Oh, mother, it was just HORRIBLE!!!  I simply can't bear it."

Who am I kidding?  The only two souls likely to show up at my door this Halloween are these guys.

"If you have Diabeetus..."

Apparently this issue affects only 3-5% of pregnant women.  Then again, I am infamous for breaking the mold...

While I'm learning to cope with this whole new level of inconvenient, I must also endure the continuous, unrelenting saga with work.  In addition to the grievous frustration that is a sales job and everything it entails I work with one guy who is as pleasant to be around as a tyrannosaurs rex that swallowed a fog horn.  God bless/forgive me for that thought, but seriously.  Little Miss Sunshine can only endure so much.

For the past two weeks we've been inundated with five million coma inducing trainings and workshops coupled with the misery of a freezing room while sitting in uncomfortable chairs.  A recent workshop in particular was so painful that I would have preferred to be doing any of the following things instead of participating:

Trying to put a contact in Mike Wazowski's eye

Rubbing a balloon in my hair before a church directory photo

Listening to a three hour speech containing horrible grammar

Working the wrapping station alone at Belk on Black Friday with a pair of rusty scissors.

Finding a deadly spider in my peanut butter and jelly lousy wheat sandwich with sugar free jam

Sitting next to Jim Carey during a church service

Swimming laps in a pool of lava

Scaling the Empire State Building in suction cupped flip flops

Working on a group project with Office Space's Milton

Untangling these wires

Accidentally playing the 'Space Jam' theme during a funeral procession

"Everybody get up, it's time to slam now.  Wave your hands in the air if you feel fine.  We're gonna take it into overtime..."

Wearing this hat to an interview

Fortunately I have something to look forward to and focus on that is zero percent work related, and that is the final weeks winding down as Emerson's due date approaches.  Last weekend my parents and Jay came to visit us for a work filled weekend as we started transforming the office into a nursery.  I cannot begin to express how thankful I am to them- and Ryan- for everything they did, which involved but was not limited to:

• Painting and transforming the nursery
• Taking three separate trips to pick up furniture
• Losing keys and receipts
• Assembling/ disassembling the aforementioned furniture
• Having a pain inflicting ordeal in the self checkout line at Bi-Lo
• Organizing boxes and boxes containing everything from Wii games to wrapping paper
• Several Home Depot Trips, where I refused a free home estimate AND lollipop three times...cruelty

 It was quite the team effort...

But all is well when the Master is in charge.

Once the nursery is finalized and sprinkled with my creative fairy dust ideas I can hardly wait to unveil the finished product!

Please keep me in your prayers.  I technically have ten weeks left until Emerson is due, but it is common for mothers with gestational diabetes to give birth early, depending on the baby's weight.  Tomorrow I'll go to my nutrition class, get my finger pricking kit (oh, happy day), and talk to them about some options on what I can actually eat- and will like.  At least I'm allowed to cheat on refreshments for my baby showers and one or two other special occasions, BUT- I always count my blessings and am fully aware that things could be a whole lot worse.  So for these last few weeks I'm keeping my mouth shut- literally.

After the joyous moment of meeting my little girl for the first time I am promptly calling room service from the hospital bed and ordering these cupcakes.

I'll leave you with my latest project on which I enjoyed every moment creating and many of you may have already seen:  Baby Emerson has hit the web and has her own site!

www.emersonalice.com

Check it out- I hope you enjoy it!  There are some particularly hilarious videos on the website of us telling our parents/extended family the baby news that promise to be entertaining.  You know I won't let you down.

With sugar free love,