I Loved Her First

"What are you going to do when you meet your baby brother for the first time?"

"I'm gonna love him, hug him, and poop on his head!"

Sanitation notice aside, I do believe that when Emerson said this a few months back, she did so with good intentions.  And I'm happy to report that her answer has now changed.

We can count many blessings in life, but there is one thing we don't get, and that's the opportunity to do things over again.  We've all heard stories of people that have unfinished business or didn't get to say what they wanted to say before the opportunity slipped away.  Here is my chance.

We are just days away from becoming a family of four, and for months something has tugged at my heart, and that's what I would say to my firstborn in her final days as an only child.

So here goes...

"It's definitely a girl!" I heard the nurse say at our gender ultrasound in the summer of 2013.  My heart flipped as my mind exploded with visions of tutus, an impeccable wardrobe, and all things pink.

It was such an exciting time preparing for your arrival, which culminated when we met you at 4:25 am on October 29th of that year.  (And you still wake me up most nights).  Thanks to you my concept of time is warped.  But I love you anyway.

When they placed you in my arms it was as if I was holding my heart outside of my body.

Your face.  Your fingers.  Your little feet.

I was completely enamored with everything you were- and are.  This was true love like no Disney movie or romantic film could ever convey.

  Sorry, Jack and Rose. 

When we brought you home we had no idea what to expect.  Poop got on what?! But every day was an adventure, and I live for that.  You brought out a whole new side of me that I didn't know existed. 

Even though some may argue this, you made me more patient.  You made me slow down and focus.  You made me okay with going on a Target run sans makeup.  You made me the most authentic version of myself possible.

As your parents you have us COMPLETELY and wholeheartedly wrapped.

Every occasion, every milestone, every MOMENT I have spent marveling at you (and documenting as much as my backup hard drives will allow).

I've become an expert at throwing "low key, minimal-work-required" Birthday parties.

You've been the subject of several music videos and parodies, all with a good attitude and star quality, of course. 

You've been a willing participant of my holiday themed photo shoots and other ideas.

Being your parent has allowed me to witness first-hand the indescribable bond between a mother and daughter.  You are my whole heart and every beat of life in my body.  And your brother will be, too.  You are a ray of sunshine, your laughter is contagious, and your spirit and personality are completely off the charts.  You have brightened my life in a way that I can't describe, and when you were little I noticed how we'd always sit, so I came up with this little saying...

"Heart to heart and cheek to cheek; that's the way we like to be."

If my cross stitch skills weren't that of a T-Rex I'd totally put that saying in a frame for you at some point.  And although you're not an infant anymore, we still sit like this every day.

Let's take a moment and try to visualize this animal trying to do something crafty.

Emerson, I wrote a very similar 'tribute' post to you, too, the week before you were born.  In it I talked about you taking your first steps, baking cookies, potty training, you name it.  And through all of these things I say with 100% confidence that I was put on this earth to be a Mom.  Being your mother has been more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

For three years and ten months you have dominated our household and lives.  And before you know it, you are going to learn to share on a whole new level...because your Daddy and I feel like one of the greatest gifts we could give you is a sibling.

Breaking News

When we found out on December 30th that our family was growing by one, we were absolutely ecstatic.  2017 has been an incredible year of anticipation and excitement.

Ryan got a special letter "from USC's football coach" aka my home printer.

We shocked our immediate family...

And then I brained stormed on how to make a completely unforgettable announcement.

Beyonce, your photo shoot set has nothing on my dirty laundry room...  While funny, this idea didn't quite make the cut.

Emerson's big sister video was one of the most fun projects ever.

Then came the reveal party...

And being showered with love by family and friends...

We celebrated our baby boy's upcoming arrival in every way possible.  I almost leapt out of my chair (if it wouldn't have caused a home insurance claim) when we received our family photos from the enormously talented Valerie Schooling (Valerie and Co Photographers).  She has photographed every milestone from our engagement until now and never ceases to amaze us with her gift.

While going through Earline's jewelry after she unexpectedly passed, Emerson was given this engraved "Earline" bracelet that she wore proudly during the pictures.  This was our way of including her.

Emerson is over the moon with excitement about meeting her baby brother.  When I pick her up each day she hugs my tummy first and then me.  She talks and sings to him and asks about him constantly.  I foresee a relationship just like mine and Jay's, which is one of the things in my life for which I'm most grateful.

The Room!

I researched and researched nursery themes for a little boy.  I tried to avoid anything too babyish, because I wanted him to be able to grow with it.  Emerson and I were out shopping one day, and after narrowing the nursery down to three themes my decision was instantly made when I came upon a set called "The Woodlands."  My mind exploded with ideas and visions of how to make this nursery come to life, so welcome to the tour of Landon's Den!

I was super excited about the cloud bookshelves and ladder shelf.

And I was able to find so many items with Bible verses about being brave, strong, and courageous.

The area above a crib is an opportunity to make a statement, and I tried to pull it off without making it too girly.  

While registering at Target Emerson found this tent, which I probably wouldn't have noticed, but it makes the room.  That's his reading and imagination corner!

This bear lamp is sold out everywhere, and a local store happened to have one on display, so I thought I'd take a chance and ask if it was for sale.  It was originally $60, and they ended up selling it to me for $16!

Ryan's parents gave us these beautiful custom canvases from Etsy, which went perfectly with the tree decals and dresser from my Mom and Dad.  And the precious, folded blanket on top was a gift from my dear friend, Brittni, who had it made to go with our theme.  Talk about thoughtful!

I took trips to Hobby Lobby for months getting ideas.  I loved this bear hanger and thought it would be a perfect place to put blankets.

Some of Ryan's favorite things included the outlet covers and wooden moose.

I love all the special little details of his room and can hardly wait to show it to him.

As you may remember, Ryan had some extra help assembling the furniture, and Emerson gave us her stamp of approval on the decor.  So our work here is done!  The room is just awaiting a sweet little boy.

The Final Days Before Landon

Every news network- including my mother herself- has been talking about the big solar eclipse for months.  I kept hearing about "totality," and I was thinking...that's when I finish a bag of chips, right??  But it's in fact a super rare phenomenon that happens once in a lifetime for many.  So we had a blast with Dorothy and my parents that day, complete with protective eyewear.

It was such a fun day, and right after it happened my Dad pointed out that our Creator put the sun at the precise distance away where we would not burn or freeze.  It was an incredible thing to witness.

When one of your best friends is a nurse she concocts additional eyewear protection for your toddler, complete with scotch tape and bows to keep it in place- hahaha!

Want to talk about pregnancy brain?!  I told my Mom that there was no way I'd be caught in a store during the eclipse "because people will be looting and going crazy for 2.5 minutes."

"Katharine, you do realize that they'll still have electricity and lights on in the store, right?"

Ummm.

We died laughing at that.  #HonestMistake #TotalEclipseOfTheBrain

Last Friday I spent the day with Emerson.  I wanted the opportunity to pack in as much fun as we could for what may be our last "free" day together.  We went to a trampoline and water park, got her hair cut, ate at one of her favorite restaurants, and topped it off with a bag of M&Ms.

AND I'm thrilled to report that on Saturday I made it to Greenville to celebrate Jay & Laura's SC wedding ceremony.  It was the last big event on my list!

Pregnancy: The Bitter End

Nine months pregnant in August... Let's just say that I make a concentrated effort to stay indoors, and the number one song my iTunes playlist is from that old commercial about "heartburn and indigestion..."

I intend to get up in the morning and glide around the grocery store with ease as I shop for organic products.  In an ideal world I'd prepare a delicious family dinner using the meat of an old cow that passed away while surrounded by loved ones and being fanned with palm tree leaves.

But reality says, "Please let me see the end of this Fixer Upper episode, and I'll make those boxed pancakes again."

It's a daily battle of wanting to eat all of the eclipse donuts (curse you, Krispy Kreme) while knowing full well that fruit and vegetables are the better choice.

And don't get me started on trying to get out of bed.  We have a foam mattress with little support to push myself up, so I end up shuffling my legs around like the wicked witch on her bike to get to the edge of the bed before forcing my body into an upright position.   I'm officially exhausted before the day even begins.

And I didn't bother to take weekly baby bump pics, because all of mine would just look the same.

20 weeks today!  Time for the gender ultrasound!



Hello, third trimester!

Just doing a little walking to get this labor started!

The Lesson

Through all of the excitement, two things have stuck with me.

1. ORDER.

2. TIMING.

When we think of the story of creation we notice something intentional, and that's the order and timing with which God made all things.  Order is of utmost importance.  The Heavens, earth, and waters came first,  the separation of day and night, sky and land, plants, the animals who needed the plants for food, Adam and Eve who would have dominion over the animals...  There is absolutely no accident to God's delicate plan.

So as God knit our family together in His mind He said, "I'm going to give them a daughter first."  Emerson was specially chosen as our firstborn.

Months ago a song came to mind.  Recorded by Heartland it's called "I Loved Her First."  It's about a father giving his daughter away at her wedding, but the lyrics hit me in a particularly different way.  This is about the last moments with our daughter before we welcome a son (with a couple of lyric changes to make it fit).

Look at the two of you dancing that way,

Lost in the moment in each other's face.

So much in love, you're alone in this place,

Like there's nobody else in the world.

I was enough for her not long ago,

I was her number one; she told me so

And she still means the world to me just so you know

So be careful when you hold my girl

Time changes everything, life must go on

And I'm not gonna stand in your way

I loved her first

I held her first

And a place in my heart will always be hers

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

I knew the love of a mother runs deep

And I prayed that we'd have you someday

I can't wait until I see your face

I loved her first

I wonder all the time what you'll be when you grow up and what kind of mark you'll make on the world. And I'm not talking about the crayons you took to our cabinets.

Small request: I hope you'll love music like I do.

Spotted: mysterious fairy helping around our household.  Waters plants and makes homemade pizzas.  Emerson, in a world of muffins you are a cupcake with a truckload of sprinkles.

And now to you, baby Landon: the little boy that I've also wanted my entire life:

I can't wait to see what life will be like with you in it, and I know that the moment I look in your eyes I won't be able to imagine life before you.  I dream of building legos and robots with you and playing baseball in the dirt.  I wonder if you'll be a Mama's boy and be very protective.  I long for the moment when you meet us and your sister.  I hope you like us, because you're certainly in for a wild ride!

God chose us as your family, and being your Mom is an honor that I prayed and begged for.  I will do everything in my power to not disappoint you.  I will be that Mom in the football stands with a button of your face plastered on the front.  When you fall off of your bike I'll have the Paw Patrol bandaids ready, along with an ice cream cone.  Because contrary to popular belief, sugar just has a bad reputation.

And if you're extra good I might (key word) drop you and your friends off in the back parking lot of the movie theater instead of the front.  Is that still a thing?  I remember dying of embarrassment when my parents drove to the front.   

I will- and already am- praying over the decisions you'll make and the friends you'll hang around.  I pray for your future wife and have every intention of raising you to be a kind, empathetic, loving, and generous man that will lead your future family one day and share the work load around the house.  And change diapers.  But I also pray (perhaps selfishly) that the moments with you will not fly by.   That I will take the chance to stop, stare at, and hold you no matter what.  I promise that I will be a heap of tears during the mother/son dance at your wedding, but for now I long for the first moment that you're placed in my arms.  Because you're already etched in my heart.

These two pictures were taken before I met my children.  They represent a level of love that is yet to be known, because I had not yet seen them face to face.

So when you hold on to the promises of Jesus each day, remember that feeling.  You are faithfully holding on to someone that means everything to you, even though you haven't met in person.  

We can't comprehend the depths of the Father's love, but we rest assured that one day we will.

As I write my final words as a mother of one I can't really describe the feeling.  The anticipation is at an all-time high.

So I think of the greatest blessings in my life: my Salvation, my parents/childhood/beloved brother, my husband that I love so much and who makes me laugh, and my baby girl.  Because no matter how old, she will always be my baby.

And then, the newest blessing.

One that wasn't guaranteed but is appreciated and wanted from the deepest parts of my heart:

...the opportunity to experience this kind of love again.